Terrible trouble in the treestand

I found the spot I wanted for my ladder stand. The brush had opened up from last year, and three little drainages came together within a hundred yards of the perfect tree. One of my relatives helped me set it up and all I had to do was wait on the right wind. It was gonna be deadly.

Three days later, the wind switched out of the northeast in the middle of the morning, and I wasted no time in gathering up my necessaries and getting settled in the stand. It was only thirty minutes before the first doe sauntered by, reinforcing my opinion that this was a good travel area---there were several scrapes and fresh rubs within sight of my tree, too.

Then the wheels came off my little red wagon.

I'd taken care of all the normal processes that morning, but I began to feel a rumbling in my gut. This worried me until I got relief by passing a balloon full of gas---after all, the wind was in my favor. Didn't last long---the rumbling returned with increased intensity and urgency, attended by cramping gas that let me know my treestand sit was coming to an end. I started to gather my gear together, and thank goodness I'd already let my gun down on the rope, when the red alert came from my nether regions. The only things that didn't get dropped to the ground were my binoculars and that was because they were around my neck. Cushions, water bottles and grunt calls rained all around the base of the tree.

Have you ever seen an aging fat man trying to take off several layers of clothing while climbing down a ladder? Me neither, but I was almost moving fast enough to look back and see myself. I'm just glad I wasn't wearing coveralls. I barely made it to the nearest stout sapling in time to avoid ruining my hunting clothes, but I may have ruined that particular spot for the rest of the season. The only thing that gives me any hope is the fact that it rained heavily the next day.

My hunting buddies had the nerve to laugh at me when I told them about it and said they were surprised I wasn't struck by lightning because of all the thunder I caused by my stand. I have no intention of quitting eating venison chili, but next time I may go lighter on the beans.

You shoulda just guarded it,,there is no final rational in deer hunting,,If you put a newbie in the worse possible place,,bang, an 8 point,,been there done it,,

I have never met you Haywire but you just made me spew coffee all over my keyboard. ;)

If nothing else, Haywires posts are always eloquent!?!?

I believe they call that a "code brown"........

Shhhhh! I think I just heard a buck grunting. HaHa!

Might as well drop a handful of clover seed on it and get a head start on next year. There's nothing more effective at cleaning out the ole colon as a good early morning rut hunt.

great story mr george that was a good laugh. :D i think you need to name that short story the (early mornin brown code rut hunt) lol

nature gives me advance warnings with the gas....time to go, it's the times I get no warnings....this is one reason I like gulf shores(along with many others) with the mid bathroom....still have to plan my walk
thanks for the good laugh sir....I sure have had that happen a few times myself

I'm still reminded of a buddy of mine from long ago who ate a huge mess of mullet white roe one night, washed down with copious amounts of beer. The next morning was really cold and he was up in his climbing stand, securely and warmly dressed in his new insulated coveralls. He was somewhat hungover, and what he thought was going to be an impressive aromatic indiscretion turned out to be a good portion of that greasy, fried roe in a semi-liquid state. He never had a chance.

As I said, it was cold, but he came walking back to camp half naked, dragging his coveralls behind him, having already disposed of his long johns. He tried to save the coveralls, but he never could stand to wear them again. His socks were gone, too, since they were about the only thing he had left to try and clean himself up with. It was cold enough that the nasty stuff in the coveralls was partly frozen. I hardly ever see him any more, but every time I do, the image of him walking up the road nearly naked, dragging those coveralls behind him flashes through my mind and he knows exactly why I'm laughing at him.

I've come to learn that if you were to make a rifle round the size of a Honda and slow it down to 35mph the deer will literally jump right in front of you....or maybe that's just my luck as of late. 100 lb doe, give or take....

bruised meat, not good for eating that much.....we have some of that with our rifle slugs out of a shot gun.....bow kills are far better for this, or lack of....never hit a deer with a car, and really never want to either ....sorry for your bad luck

That is some great crap right there Haywire!

Long ago on a frigid morn in Wilcox Co., three hunters were heading into a dark muddy road in the warm cab of a pickup when suddenly the middle passenger screamed STOP THE TRUCK NOW!!! He bailed out and disappeared in to the darkness while frantically unbuttoning his insulated coveralls! A few minutes later his flashlight was visible as he made his way back to the really warm truck cab bragging that he made it in time and re-buttoning his coveralls.
He climbed back into the well heated cab and as soon as the door was close; all three hunters screamed, OMG, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT! Both doors flew open and the three men scrambled to the safety of fresh air.
What happened? As the hunter hastily shed the upper half of his coveralls, he forgot rule #1 if you have to do #2 in the woods, always pull the upper portion of the coveralls including the HOOD out of harms way!

Needless to say the morning hunt was cancelled!
(I was not the middle passager)

Gotta watch your suspenders, too. I had to leave a pair in the woods once. Luckily, I spotted the trouble before making a tactile discovery---the olfactory evidence was already overwhelming.

You can always hang over the side. ;) A word of caution from a friend's mistake, don't hang over the side that you let your weapon down on.

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Originally Posted by ironman172

bruised meat, not good for eating that much.....we have some of that with our rifle slugs out of a shot gun.....bow kills are far better for this, or lack of....never hit a deer with a car, and really never want to either ....sorry for your bad luck

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thanks ironman, that was my poor attempt at humor haha. I kinda "grazed" her, she got up and darted off so I assumed she was ok(no limping off to the woods). I been thinking about getting into hunting with a bow. whats a good starter bow?

I use a ten point cross bow....not much practicing involved....sight it in at different yardages and your good to go....like shooting a gun, just shorter distances ....pull the trigger....I bow hunt to extend my hunting opportunities...our gun week is only 1 week long with 4 days of muzzle loader in Jan, but the bow goes from the end of Sept. to Feb. 2nd ....don't get me wrong I love to gun hunt, and wish it was longer....but have to obey the laws of the state to fill the freezer....I wish being a land owner.... I could hunt how and use what I prefer as long as I don't go over the limits of deer taken....but oh well I will do it there way.....unless crap hits the fan and we all are looking to put food on the table, not from the stores ....looking ugly out there ....in the world and this country

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Originally Posted by SNAKE

thanks ironman, that was my poor attempt at humor haha. I kinda "grazed" her, she got up and darted off so I assumed she was ok(no limping off to the woods). I been thinking about getting into hunting with a bow. whats a good starter bow?

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Diamond Razor Edge package is already set up. They are around $299 new.

That is absolutely hilarious haywire and I know you're not the only one that has happened to! Thanks for the laugh!

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Originally Posted by SNAKE

thanks ironman, that was my poor attempt at humor haha. I kinda "grazed" her, she got up and darted off so I assumed she was ok(no limping off to the woods). I been thinking about getting into hunting with a bow. whats a good starter bow?

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I bought a Mission Ballistic in October and I really like it. Not the cheapest way out but they're made by Mathews. If you're serious about bowhunting drop the extra money and get something you'll be confident shooting for many years to come. They have a lifetime guarantee. The guy I bought mine from told me even if the release loop starts getting worn to bring it in and they'd replace it free. Here's a link:

Ballistic? | Mission Archery