I was checking the supplies in my Prepper Bunker and discovered that the weevils have gotten into my emergency Moon Pie stash and here it is, just three days before the end of Mardi Gras.
Reckon I better take off for Mobile and camp out on Govt. Blvd. to replenish my supply. The problem is, I don't move quite as quickly as I used to and all the early morning donuts on the octi have increased my girth to the point that I have trouble bending over to reach the pies that fall to the ground---I don't mind if they are mushed up a little. I came up with a plan that requires the help of one of you pier rats---I need a big snake. I figure if I can wrap a big python around my neck it will frighten away the street urchins and intimidate other Moon Pie hoarders. I only need one snake for my shoulders since I already look like I'm smuggling one around my waist and can even jiggle the fat to make it look like it's moving. If you have a spare constrictor, let me know.
I'm so sorry I missed the parade here in Orange Beach, because I can blend right in with the other grey-heads from other parts of the country who are unfamiliar with the Mardis Gras moves that can get you a real full sack of goodies.
My fall back plan to is get a big pair of plastic bosoms, and when I flash them, the float riders never look high enough to see me from the neck up, (Throw me something, mister) but they hamper my agility and the law enforcement folks may wish to ask me embarrassing questions while the Moon Pies are flying all around.
Anyhow, if y'all miss me on the pier, I may be at the revelry in downtown Mobile stocking up on crushed Moon Pies, inedible candy and totally useless trinkets. My shins are padded and my breath is foul as I compete for catching space. I may even attend a Mardis Gras ball if I can get my meds in the right combination. The VOICES tell me that it will be OK.
